Getting Schooled in Football

“Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice mission, and when it was over, I never wanted another.”

As many of you probably know by now, I’ve accepted an invitation to join Smack Talkers Anonymous, a blogger fantasy football league, from Black Belt Mama, who is soon to be the coach of the doormat team of her own league because she is going down like the Hindenberg. Down like the Titanic! Down like Barky for a nap!

OK, so I need to work on my smack talk, but BBM is going down my friends. As are the rest of the Smack Talkers Jenn Maniacal, Goon Squad Sarah, Da Mack Daddy, Tenitems August and those other guys. How do I know? Because I had the perfect upbringing for this cerebral showdown. Every Saturday in the fall, Mom and Dad would take us to watch Stanford football games from the end zone. It was there that I learned that intellect is inversely correlated with athletic talent, what a moral victory is, and that the greatest players in the game can still lose. But, you can win games, even if you’re saddled with smart players, if your coach is a genius:

“Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.”

–Ambrose Bierce

Unlike the professor, my hair isn’t all white yet, but this season I will be tapping into the vast body of knowledge that I gained from watching the genius who not only led Stanford to bowl games, but also led the former doormat 49ers to the Super Bowl. Multiple times. Anybody else’s team have five Super Bowl trophies? Oh fine, some do. But has your team gone undefeated in the Super Bowl? Have you ever won it with your coach wearing a v-neck sweater? Did your locker room celebrations include the spilling of a nicely aged cabernet instead of the spraying of champagne?

So my humble mission this season will be to pass on my knowledge to the rest of you, to tutor you, to educate you–to school you. Watch and learn, my friends. I’ll start slow:

This is an x: X.

This is an o: O.

Next week: How to get Gatorade stains out of your cashmere v-neck.

Opening day: What a moral victory is.

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  • Down like Barky for a nap? Dude, we need to work on that smack talking. . .

    This is going to be so much fun! 😉

  • You wish. I got mad fantasy football skillz.

    Grrr.

  • RIP, Bill. He invented West Coast offense.

    But I sure hope they pull those goofy Coors Light commercials…

    Good luck!

  • I’m taking you down…
    I’m taking you down to Chinatown.