(Variation on a theme by Black Belt Mama.)
Dear Patrick Crayton,
When you next decide to participate in a football game, please let me know. You see, you are on my fantasy football team, where you’re riding the bench because, in the first three weeks of the season, you have so far earned 2, 0, and 5 fantasy points respectively.
This week you apparently decided to, I don’t know, tighten your shoelaces, straighten out your helmet, or wear your lucky socks, and you earned 37 fantasy points. Thirty-seven points that are sitting on my bench tonight because I didn’t play you this week, because you haven’t scored in double digits in the past three weeks. In fact, those 37 points probably would have pushed me over the top for a win this week. Instead, I’m probably going down in flames without them.
So, again–and your coaches might appreciate this too–next time you decide to not only suit up and take the field, but also to participate in the game, how about a heads up?
P.S. As a 49ers fan who bleeds red and gold, I can barely stomach having a Cowboy on my team anyway, so I’m sure that you’ll understand when your next single-digit performance sends you onto the waiver list.