Have I mentioned that Barky’s ass is inflamed? Yeah, I probably didn’t because we’ve been avoiding the topic like, well, an inflamed anus. We have little idea what’s causing it, although the latest theory is that it’s a food allergy, so we’re switching Barky’s food again, which is why we now have three half-full bags of dog food in our hall closet.
This latest theory was proposed by Mama’s cousin R, who Mama called to say, “I know we haven’t seen you in a year or so, but Barky’s ass is inflamed, and I’m wondering if you have any ideas why.” He is a vet, so it’s not such a strange question for him, although he specializes in large animals. Fortunately for us, and Barky, cousin R loves beagles, and he had a few suggestions which seem to be making a bit of an improvement. (And if you think a beagle’s tiny raw ass is gross, you should see what R’s wife deals with.)
One of the side effects of this seemingly incurable condition is that Barky is almost constantly licking his ass, which is somehow even more disgusting than it sounds. I believe that has to do with the wet slurping sound, combined with the knowledge of the source of the sound. I’ve slept through fire alarm bells going off a foot from my door, and Barky’s licking is loud enough to wake even me once a night. This means that Mama, who can be awakened by moth farts, is woken several times in the night by Slurpy Barky.
In conjunction with everything else, this has gradually worn us down this week. It didn’t help that I had to be in DC for a meeting this morning, which meant leaving home early. Mama wasn’t awake by the time I left, but after awhile I called her to see how her morning with 3B was going.
3B, who doesn’t sleep in our room with the ass licker, was well rested and tearing around our house, but Mama was about as blurry as I was. She ranted a fair amount about Barky, as though she were ranting at him, to which I nodded my head and sipped my latte until she said, “You know what, dog, my few hours of peaceful sleep are far more precious to me than your inflamed anus.” That’s when I nearly shot my scalding hot latte out my nose.
(Barky’s timing is, as always, impeccable, with his anal inflammation coming during the month that he’s the pet of the month in the Young at Heart pet rescue calendar. Speaking of which, they’re running another contest right now for pictures of pets for next year’s calendar. If entering a contest isn’t your thing, you can also buy cool stuff in the Young at Heart store.)