Barky’s Hot Ass

Have I mentioned that Barky’s ass is inflamed? Yeah, I probably didn’t because we’ve been avoiding the topic like, well, an inflamed anus. We have little idea what’s causing it, although the latest theory is that it’s a food allergy, so we’re switching Barky’s food again, which is why we now have three half-full bags of dog food in our hall closet.

This latest theory was proposed by Mama’s cousin R, who Mama called to say, “I know we haven’t seen you in a year or so, but Barky’s ass is inflamed, and I’m wondering if you have any ideas why.” He is a vet, so it’s not such a strange question for him, although he specializes in large animals. Fortunately for us, and Barky, cousin R loves beagles, and he had a few suggestions which seem to be making a bit of an improvement. (And if you think a beagle’s tiny raw ass is gross, you should see what R’s wife deals with.)

One of the side effects of this seemingly incurable condition is that Barky is almost constantly licking his ass, which is somehow even more disgusting than it sounds. I believe that has to do with the wet slurping sound, combined with the knowledge of the source of the sound. I’ve slept through fire alarm bells going off a foot from my door, and Barky’s licking is loud enough to wake even me once a night. This means that Mama, who can be awakened by moth farts, is woken several times in the night by Slurpy Barky.

In conjunction with everything else, this has gradually worn us down this week. It didn’t help that I had to be in DC for a meeting this morning, which meant leaving home early. Mama wasn’t awake by the time I left, but after awhile I called her to see how her morning with 3B was going.

3B, who doesn’t sleep in our room with the ass licker, was well rested and tearing around our house, but Mama was about as blurry as I was. She ranted a fair amount about Barky, as though she were ranting at him, to which I nodded my head and sipped my latte until she said, “You know what, dog, my few hours of peaceful sleep are far more precious to me than your inflamed anus.” That’s when I nearly shot my scalding hot latte out my nose.

(Barky’s timing is, as always, impeccable, with his anal inflammation coming during the month that he’s the pet of the month in the Young at Heart pet rescue calendar. Speaking of which, they’re running another contest right now for pictures of pets for next year’s calendar. If entering a contest isn’t your thing, you can also buy cool stuff in the Young at Heart store.)

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  • Well the nasal shooting of liquids must be contagious because I dam near shot soda out of my nose reading this. I then proceeded to laugh hysterically until I could breath enough to shove the laptop at him.

    Change the dog to a cat and Mama to another Papa and I could totally see this happening at our house.

    Thank you for a great laugh and I hope Barky is better soon.

  • wow. that sounds really, really gross.

    i know what you mean though about the licking. it is sooooooooooo nasty. a while ago, we had problems with Eddie, (our dog) & I noticed that he was straining to poo….vet said to feed him pumpkin to increase the fiber. that seemed to compound the problem. Turns out—it was his prostate, and it caused problems leading to one of his testicles to become necrotic. In the end—prostate removal, testicle removal, multiple days of doggie IV antibiotics in the hospital.
    But, while we were waiting to get to the root of the situation—Eddie did the licking in his nether-region. SOOOOOOO gross.

  • Bacchus: Misery loves company, so I’m glad that you could share my pain…or almost pain.

    L-P: OK, I thought that what we had was gross until I read “necrotic testicle.”

  • Ugh — my dog does the same thing — although he has allergies from a source we can’t determine that makes him itchy all over. So, between the slurping sound and the scratching, nightimes with Vampdoggy can drive me over the edge.

    Thank God for benadryl — it seems to be the one thing that works for us (aside from therediculously expensive food diet we have him on). Not to mention it helps him (and therefore me) sleep!

  • Having grown up with three dogs, I am all too familiar with the nighttime wet slurpy dog show. I could never sleep through that either. I hope for your and Mama’s sake that Barky’s butt calms down.

    When I started to read that link about cousin R’s wife, I was thinking about James Herriot with his arm up the back end of a cow. Never thought I’d actually see a picture of the arm condom in use!

    Doesn’t “Necrotic Testicle” say heavy metal band to you?

  • VD: Holy crap, you may just be our new best friend. Mama asked me to ask you how much benadryl, how heavy Vampdoggy is…until Barky let out a heavy and prolonged groan, drowning out conversation. OK, to make the little mutt happy, we’ll call the vet to find out, and we’ll report back.

    Henitsirk: So you already knew about “poor man’s lubricant” then.

  • I was *totally* going to congratulate you on your calendar boy this month. I get to see his mug every day! 🙂 And I love you to bits for the YAH shout-out. w00t! We gotta put the pressure on MetroDad and MetroDog.

    Have you had his anal glands checked? Could be an impaction which causes pressure which causes the licking. Not uncommon in Beagles.

    Keep us posted on Ass Watch ’07.

  • SJC: We get them checked and emptied every six weeks or so, and that’s the first thing they’ve been checking every time we go in for this condition. That makes me pretty confident that it’s not his anal glands, which isn’t a big help, since that opens it up to a wide array of other conditions. But keep the ideas coming; we need all the help we can get.