High Resolutions

“One: Consider the probable reality that all time is simultaneous.”

–Single Gun Theory

When I was maybe 17, I rang in the new year at a friend’s house. He was a year or two older than us, and his mom was at the party, roughly supervising, so we were feeling all mature and worldly. Despite our wisdom past our years, we did run out of wine for the wine coolers–hey, what can I say? it was the 80’s–which led me to replace it with another cold alcoholic beverage: vodka.

Those drinks led me under the kitchen table, where I have a vague memory of my friend Mary lifting up my head and putting a bowl under it. There was also the horking in my best friend’s car and the 24-hour dry heaves on his bathroom floor all through January 1. He finally took me home, propped me up by the front door, rang the bell, and backed away, not really wanting to see Mom’s reaction.

Mom wasn’t angry at him, however, just at me. She was smart like that. And I can see now why she was angry. However, at the time I was a teenager, so after I recovered from the alcohol poisoning, I was more embarrassed than scared that I’d almost fatally poisoned myself. It helps that everyone reminded me of it for weeks afterward with questions like, “Papa Bradstein? I heard you were dead.”

That year, my one new year’s resolution was to quit drinking. And that is the only year that I successfully kept my resolution…up until that 4th of July softball party on the Stanford golf course, when we ended up on the observatory roof, passing a bottle of tequila around. I will say that not only did we all make it safely off the golf course before the sprinklers came on, but we also all made it safely home that night without any barfing.

But I digress again…the point is that after learning that not even near-death experiences can motivate me to keep my resolutions, I gave up on them. Resolutions, that is, not near-death experiences, although I am trying to cut back on those too. This year, however, Mama has decided that rather than making a resolution, she’s going to have a theme for the upcoming year: balance.

I love that theme, and not just because balance is a good way to keep the olives from flipping out of the glass onto the floor, where Barky will lick them, then gag and cough all over them, forcing me back to the fridge to get more.

“Four: All limitations are self-imposed.”

–ibid.

And if I pick a theme, I can also toss out my draft list of resolutions:

  1. Stop writing self-incriminating blog posts.
  2. Stop talking about poop.
  3. To thine own self be true, starting with keeping all of Bacchus’s new year’s promises, several of SpainDad’s, and one of Vampdaddy’s (see #7, because #1 isn’t going to happen).
  4. Get a new chain for my steel steed and reaquaint myself with the Novocaine Effect, the Frozen Glove Mucus Effect, and the Genital Numbness Ambiguity Effect.
  5. Send out our holiday cards before we have to print a Valentine’s Day message on them.

What about you, my six faithful readers? Any resolutions? Any that you’ve already broken? Any themes? Anyone resolved not to make any resolutions? Any good ideas for a theme for my year–just kidding, of course; I did pick one.

Monday: my theme. (15 bonus Bradstein points if you guess it before I post it.)

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  • Resolutions would require…resolve. Nah.

    Sometimes I think the one important thing I learned in college was the “drink water when drinking booze” rule. Then I remember that I haven’t had a drink in I don’t know how long. So then, what did I learn in college again?

  • Well, this is going to be a crazy year for us, what with the baby on the way and all, so I guess I resolve to do my best to go with the flow (I’m a planner to a fault, so this is big for me) and to do what is best for our family and not let outside pressures affect our decisions.

    How’s that?

    🙂

  • Number 1! Number 1! Number 1!

    I thought some positive peer pressure might help. Although #7 is quite good!

    I’ll save a yoga matt and towel for ya!

  • You were doing what when I was away at college? Honestly, I was the one who told Mom we were home after the Mariner dances when my sister did not want her mother to smell her breath. Not that she went as far as you did.

  • Ummmm I didn’t drink at Mariner dances. The only one I remember the punch being spiked was one where your father was a chaperone.

    As far as resolutions: I agree that the Christmas cards should be sent out before Valentines day… or St Patrick’s day. I didn’t even have high hopes, mine say Happy New Year. They are addressed and the picture is in the envelope, I just need to write the letter since I don’t have (and don’t want) a blog. I also need to do the stamp and return address thingys too. I think I could handle the power shopping thing too.

  • If balance is your word of the year and your theme for living…. do I hear another baby on the way. It is hard to balance with only one. Four is even better. Nice even well balanced. Or do you still remember things too well? It may be too soon.

    When #2 rolled in I remember thinking, oh yeah, diapers, feedings, sleep….. I was always worried I would forget the baby and leave her behind. Other than the state champ thing, now I am wondering why I didn’t.

  • Anonymous

    I can help you with the greeting card problem. I use a service that will print, stuff, stamp, and mail your greeting cards for less than $1.00 each. In your own hand writing if you want. Here is the web site: http://www.socreview.com/peggy

  • Dan

    Alchohol poisoning is a mighty deterant for drinking in my experience. I was ill for three days after a session about five years ago and although I’ve drunk I’ve never been drunk since.

    My reslution this year, like last year, is to get in shape.

  • All: Yes, I’ve learned to drink water when I drink alcohol and, more important, I’ve learned to moderate how much alcohol I drink.

    I also don’t know who these imposters claiming to be my sisters are–my sisters never drank before it was legal for them to do so. And I’m certain that they never conspired to keep that from my parents…certainly not their father who was chaperoning them.

    However, what we do have in common is that I never talked with Mom directly about that episode–my version of not sharing my breath with her.

    As for going with the flow, SJC, that’s a good resolution, and a hard one to keep for some of us, so good luck with that. Just remember that sometimes going with the flow involves going with your own flow of being a planner.

    And even though I don’t think I’ll take the Bikram route that Vampdaddy has, I’ll likely go back to some sort of yoga as well as some regular Buddhist practice to help me let go and ride in the flow, as well as just loosen up my back.