What my toddler taught me today

I learned that 3B can sleep for 13 hours (that’s all the way until 9 a.m., for those of you keeping score at home). He is more likely to do this the more likely it is that you have plans to meet someone for a play date.

I also learned that wrangling 3B while on a play date at a farm–well worth the trip, by the way–means that I won’t get any pictures or video of him or his adorable friend. In lieu of pictures, a brief description: “want to go over there!” “want to go over there noooowww!” and then cows, turkeys, some other forms of poultry, 1000s of children, tractors! ohmigawd! tractors you can sit on, even if they don’t go anywhere there are switches and levers and steering wheels and hey why are the parents not paying attention to any of this? and then goats, sheep, piglets nursing from a momma pig as big as our refrigerator, cows again, and then a playground where I had to tell a boy to stop pushing 3B for the first time–funny how you don’t have to learn some things as a parent…just thinking about it again ticks me off–and then shutdown, loud singing in car to prevent one of those tiny car naps that just makes everyone cranky, and finally collapse at home.

I then learned that if I get 3B home about two hours late for his nap, he’ll still take one. Thank goodness, since I had work to attend to.

3B learned, “No flag, no country.” He then claimed a visitor parking spot and some nearby lawn in his own name.

No flag...

...no country

I learned that it’s possible to get fitted for a tuxedo while wrangling a toddler. It helped that 3B loved to shut himself into the fitting rooms and wait for me to come get him. After determining that there was nothing dangerous in the changing rooms, I was more than happy to let him wait. I did remember to retrieve him before leaving the store.

I also learned that apparently, nobody at Men’s Wearhouse has ever considered picking up the tens of thousands of straight pins that have fallen on their floor. Special thanks to 3B for pointing this out.

Also, a word to the wise…if you leave a bag of dog poop in the car because you’re a responsible-type citizen and there are no garbage cans around, and even if it’s not that warm because it’s almost evening, when you come back to your car, it will smell like hot death. Not even your dog will like the smell.

This has been a public service announcement. Had there been any useful information, it would have been part of our news broadcast. And that’s the way it is.

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  • Christy

    Our 6:30 wakeup is still jealous of your 9am days.

    Jack unfortunately did get one of those cranky car naps – he was fast asleep before we even got back on the parkway. Bugger. I think he was dreaming of getting to be a big boy like Sol who can climb and run and make everything look like So. Much. Fun.

  • Dude, I can’t believe how big 3B is getting! Amazing watching him grow up so quickly.

    P.S. We haven’t left a bag filled with dog poop in the car yet. However, we did leave a soiled diaper in the back seat last summer. Holy cow! It’s like the episode of Seinfeld with the body odor in the car. You never get that smell out!

  • LOL. You crack me up. I can’t even pull one thing out because it’s all so funny. I have to share that Lil C will only take naps when we have to go pick up her sister from school (she usually falls asleep 15 minutes prior); AND my husband always forgets to pull down the shade in her room and I could KILL him for it!

  • Those car naps (we called them “turbo naps” are the worst. It’s like you all get the short end of the stick.

  • 3B & The Land of MIIIIIINE. I think that’s what he should name is little country.
    🙂

    …and…way to go for taking your kid on a playdate to a farm. Um, if you hadn’t read my post recently about my kid not knowing a cow when he saw one, well you missed out! How sad is it that my child could not identify a live cow b/c it looks nothing like the cartoon drawing of cows that he’s seen? …and we live in Texas…I am a pitiful urbanite.

  • …and the dog poop thing: what were you thinking?????????????

  • L-P: Yes, I believe that is the name of his land.

    Also, don’t feel bad about the animal thing. When I showed 3B a real sheep–you know, kind of gray, dirty, wool scraps kind of hanging off all over the place–he looked at me as if to say, “Are you stupid, Papa? Sheep are white, soft, and fluffy. This is a huge piece of dryer lint with legs.”

    RE: Dog Poop and My Thoughts
    I was thinking, “Why the fuck are there no goddamn trash cans anywhere in this town? Are we so chicken-shit scared that terrorists are going to blow up a can full of fast food wrappers in the Men’s Wearhouse parking lot that we leave ourselves nowhere to put our trash? Or are we just too cheap and lazy to provide even a modicum of customer service anymore? Or does the Men’s Wearhouse know something about the rising ocean levels that I don’t, so they don’t care if we throw trash on the ground, since it will all be swept away in the flood? (And if they do know so much about the coming flood, why did they locate their store way down here?)” –And yes, I do think in parentheses at times.

    Did I mention that I was a bit pissed? Not as pissed as when I got back to the car, but pissed nonetheless.

  • in the future: use their trash can in the store. That’ll teach ’em!

    ….I once threw a monstrous poop filled diaper away in the home depot trashcan…um, no, it was not located for customer use. It was right there at the register…at the outdoor garden section…in the heat… I was pissed that they didn’t have trash cans conveniently located for customers either. In hindsight, I feel bad for that checker, but hey, I had to get rid of the shit!

  • So much to comment on and so little space… okay, usually I fill it all and then some.

    Your mother would appreciate that you let 3B out in bare feet. My two favorite pictures of her, she has bare feet. One where she is standing in front of the house by her car and the other she is standing in the river.

    As for car naps…. one day I stopped by the school to ask if they would take a picture of my preschoolers and they said yes. So I go home to redress #4 and what do you know he falls asleep in the car on the way back to school. The picture looks like his sister just pinched him since, YES!!! I did wake him up for the picture. After a short 2 minute nap a small child can be cranky.

    My kids were taught by their Uncle D how to determine the difference between a horse and a cow. You call out Frau Bleucher (or however it is spelled) and if the animal does not react it is a cow. Of course you might need to know we love cows, because after all we are named after one. My kids have this horrible disease Bovilexia: The uncontrollable urge to stick your head out the window and yell “Moo!” every time you pass a cow.