As I flew home, that lurking feeling came closer to my consciousness, but never surfaced. It was large, dark and mysterious. It felt as if I were at the bottom of a hole dug so deep into the Earth’s crust that if I were to scream, my voice would never be heard.
It also felt as if a hole had opened in the bottom of my soul that was big enough that it could swallow the moon…and me along with it.
But it was as if I were blindfolded and bound in a cave and suddenly realized there was an enormous creature in the chamber with me that could not only see me and move me about, but also was a part of me. I could sense its size from the deep notes of its slow breathing and the shuddering of the ground when it moved about. At times, it even brushed against me and I could feel its cold skin, and sense its tremendous weight.
But never could I fully apprehend it, know it, understand it.
To this day, I can’t fully describe this feeling, but I know it is still with me. I know that it feels like loss. It has the tremendous weight of sadness. It has the tremendous darkness of a place where seeing isn’t possible. It is a void, but it’s not something I avoid.